Dear Andy,

I’m running the Marathon des Sables in March. What sort of mileage should I be putting in?

Malcolm, Middlesbrough

The MDS is run over six days and is around 150 miles long – although it’s difficult to measure the course accurately since much of it involves slithering backwards down sand dunes as big as alps.

So to be on the safe side, I’d recommend a bare minimum of 150 miles per week with an anvil strapped on your back and a 3 kilowatt fan heater mounted directly in front of your face.

Dear Andy,

Which is the most effective energy drink?

Lucy, Royston

It depends what you mean by ‘effective’. Many specialised energy drinks make wonderful emetics and are indispensable if you’re competing in a projectile vomiting contest.

Others, thanks to their colour and consistency, are ideal for weatherproofing the exteriors of buildings.

As for the rest, it’s really down to personal taste. I find that water-flavoured water takes a lot of beating

Dear Andy,

I need to lose a stone and a half in the next three months.  Can you suggest a suitable running schedule?

Jayanthi, Tooting Bec

The trouble is, at the end of a 20 mile training run, you want to eat your own weight in pies.

During the Cape Wrath Ultra Marathon, I watched one competitor wrestle a small horse to the ground and…  Well, I won’t go on.

So if your only reason for running is to lose weight, I recommend locking yourself in a food-free room and jogging on the spot for no more than thirty seconds a day.

Dear Andy,

Is it worth joining a running club?

Laura, Macclesfield

There are all kinds of running club. Some were founded at the time of the Magna Carta. In order to join, you must be a Caucasian male with blond, wavy hair and a regimental tie.

The running boom of the Eighties spawned the next wave of clubs, with names like the Lynton Limpers and the Horsham Hyperventilators.

They’re fine if you don’t mind running in a pack of 20 people with identical green vests and excessive body hair, and shouting ‘oggi, oggi, oggi’ at five minute intervals.

Finally, there are the new clubs with memberships of 2000 plus. If you’re looking for a sense of community and shared purpose, you might as well join a club of people with brown eyes.

So, in answer to your original question - no.